Friday, 21 September 2012

Mommy needs a glass of wine.


I worship my children. I really do. But it has really been one of those days.

6:00am. Baby is up. Bring him into our bed, close door to hallway and bathroom, blackout blinds down, Mommy and Daddy sleeping. Anticipating sleepy snuggles and possibly nap. Baby disagrees, wide awake, babbling away and climbing all over everything, particularly us. Mystifying, as Baby had six wake-ups last night rather than usual three.
6:30am. Middle Child is up. Comes into our room, crawls into our bed. Baby and Middle Child commence to playing superheroes/Jedis/ninjas/wrestling-type game. Very loud, very active. Mostly on our bed. Someone jumps on husband, kicking him in bruised rib. Middle Child sent back to his room to read quietly for half-hour, as per family's 7am wake-up rule.
7:00am. Loud crash. Baby has somehow pulled Daddy's good camera (very fancy, very expensive, professional-grade Canon) off dresser we thought he couldn't reach and onto the floor. Quick investigation reveals nobody's hurt, camera is fine, small chip in brand-new hardwood floor. Middle Child comes flying in to see what happened, knocks Baby over. Crying ensues. Mommy and Daddy give up, husband starts to get ready for work.
7:30am. Beds made, coffee made, Baby changed. Eldest Child refuses to wake up. Middle Child out of clean jeans, sent to retrieve from dryer as laundry done late last night. Laundry is still damp. Turn dryer back on.
7:45am. Making school lunches. Baby fed, bruise forming on forehead. Did camera hit him after all? Maybe bonked on floor when Middle Child knocked him over? Mystery. Parents at school will likely think abused.
8:00am. Eldest Child still refusing to wake up. Forcing out of bed as have to leave for school in less than thirty minutes. Child in foul mood.
8:10am. Eldest Child appears downstairs wearing shorts and t-shirt, despite having been informed that it's seven degrees outside. Not unusual as child is often bit of space case. Sent back upstairs to change, sulking and stomping ensue.
8:15am. Eldest Child just starting breakfast, Middle Child on fourth bowl of cereal. Baby has discovered how to bend nozzle of sippy cup to pour water out. High chair tray is now pool of water & Cheerio bits. Baby is soaked, will need to be changed before leaving.
8:20am. Packing backpacks, signing agenda books - realize that both boys' library books are due back and pizza money has to be handed in. Frantic search ensues for books, chequebook & envelopes.
8:30am. Backpack and lunches packed, Baby changed. Eldest Child still sitting at table barely having touched breakfast, throws fit upon asking contents of lunch and discovering contains bagel - which he specifically requested yesterday. Middle Child throws similar fit upon being told to wear jacket or fleece hoodie as bloody cold outside. Mommy doesn't care at this point.
8:34am. Out door, everyone appropriately dressed, only four minutes late.
8:40am. Older two kids at school as bell rings. Mommy heads home with Baby.
9:00am. Home, cleaning up from breakfast, doing dishes, etc. as kitchen appears to have been hit by hurricane or tornado.
10:00am. Kitchen cleaned, should only have taken twenty minutes but everything takes longer because Baby requires constant entertainment/supervision. Moving on to laundry.
10:30am. Dirty laundry in, clean laundry folded and put away. Making grocery list. Baby, who was puttering happily with his play kitchen three feet away two seconds ago, has disappeared and is ominously quiet.
10:32am. Baby has opened up video game storage box and is happily playing with the discs, wires & remotes. Brothers must have left partially out - usually stored such that Baby can't open. Mommy removes, Baby throws fit.
11:00am. Baby still throwing fit.
11:30am. Phone call from office, useless question followed by even more useless conversation that makes me wonder if I mightn't have done better hiring a trained monkey.
12:00pm. Follow-up emails and phone calls to useless question to clear up problem that wasn't problem to begin with. Make and feed Baby lunch. Baby has no "full" reflex and will literally eat anything put before him. Lunch takes forever - finish making grocery list and feel pleased with self for multi-tasking.
1:00pm. Baby is grouchy, Mommy gets excited about possibility of rare nap. Bring basket of toys in bathroom for Baby to play with on floor, hop in shower.
1:01pm. Baby ignoring toys, trying to climb in shower.
1:02pm. Baby also ignoring empty shampoo bottles, usually entertaining.
1:03pm. Baby not interested in brothers' toys either, brought in as last-ditch bribery attempt.
1:04pm. Baby. Will. Not. Let. Me. Shower.
1:05pm. Give up on shower and get dressed. At least got wet, somewhat refreshed.
1:15pm. Baby bundled up and in stroller, off to grocery store.
2:00pm. Home from grocery store, putting groceries away, run to bathroom and realize forgot to buy toilet paper. Back to grocery store.
2:30pm. Home from grocery store, fix platter of grapes apple slices, crackers and cheese for after-school snack. Give Baby snack. Since Baby is strapped in high chair & happily eating next to me, pull out laptop to begin monthly Board report and newsletterfor work. Due tomorrow.
2:35pm. Logged on, files open, Baby starts to cry. Food, unusually, will not soothe.
2:55pm. Baby still fussy and has now filled his diaper - leaking up back & all over clothes. Gross.
3:00pm. Baby clean & changed, off to school to pick up older children.
3:15pm. Hovering between two separate doors that two children are dismissed from as each teacher requires wave from parent before releasing child. Eldest Child comes flying out, big hug, excited about playdate with best friend today. Oh right. Playdate. Arranged earlier in week. Middle Child comes flying out, very snuggly with Mommy, lots of kisses for Baby, attacks Eldest Child and they hug ferociously for a few minutes. Watch them with loving smile, heart brimming over. Other parents say "awww."
3:20pm. Retrieve Eldest Child's best friend for playdate, few moments' chit-cat with mother. Middle Child requests playtime at park, Eldest Child vetoes, I say no as policy is child with playdate gets to choose what to do. Middle Child throws absurd tantrum, tossing backpack across yard and trying to take stroller from me to turn around toward park. Insane mood swing. Very embarrassing as school yard is still full of parents.
3:30pm. Arrive home, frustrated beyond words as Middle Child is still in full tantrum swing. House has odd odour. Upon investigation, find that left diaper pail open about an eighth of an inch in rush before leaving. Entire upper floor stinks of soiled diapers. Close pail, open windows.
3:40pm. Sit children down for after-school snack, suddenly no-one likes cheese and crackers or fruit. Eldest Child requests garlic bread, Middle Child wants hot dogs. Inform everyone this is not a restaurant. Middle Child is just simmering down upon not having received desired reaction to tantrum and temper begins to flare back up again. Eldest Child's friend asks if we have freezies. Chorus of, "yeah, freezies!" We do have freezies. Fine. Whatever. Kids eat freezies, Baby at least is satisfied with crackers and cheese and fruit, Mommy unpacks lunch bags and agendas, signs notes and reviews homework.
4:00pm. Having lovely moment with Middle Child - told him we'd have our own playdate so Eldest Child and his friend could have theirs uninterrupted, so playing board games while Baby watches happily from high chair, still eating. Middle Child's temper has vanished and he is all snuggly again; has made several comments to Eldest Child about special playdate just he and Mommy. Heartwarming.
4:30pm. Baby throwing fit for no apparent reason. As soon as began crying, all other children suddenly required help with: tissue (box is in front of you), pouring cup of milk (cup is in front of you, fridge is three feet away), batteries need replacing in toy (Mommy doesn't have two hands while holding Baby- play with other toy), can't find where shot Nerf dart (must find as Nerf dart is exact size and shape of Baby's throat).
5:00pm. Need to start making dinner. Eldest Child's friend's mother should be here any second. All older boys sent outside together to play soccer in backyard, Baby helping with dinner.
5:15pm. Middle Child losing his mind with frustration - Eldest Child & friend are teaming up against him. Must be hard to be younger and outnumbered. Why it's better to keep him otherwise occupied when brother has playdate. Where is friend's mother?
5:35pm. Eldest Child's playdate has finally left, more than half-hour late. Mother is bit of flake. Children moaning weakly and complaining of starvation, although still half an hour from dinnertime. Dinner is likely an hour away from being done. Reevaluate meal plan.
6:00pm. Husband home, dinner just about ready, Baby already eating. Eldest Child remembers homework he has to do that wasn't written in his agenda. Later.
6:15pm. Sit down to lovely family dinner together.
6:16pm. Hop up to grab other salad dressing, forgot every family member requires different kind.
6:17pm. Hop up to grab banana for Baby as has already plowed through chicken, noodles and salad served him for dinner
6:18pm. Hop up to refill kids' milk glasses.
6:19pm. Hop up to grab yogurt for Baby who has now plowed through banana.
6:20pm. Hop up to refill Eldest Child's plate as child eats more than two or three adults combined - perplexing, as child has ribs sticking out and is all elbows and knees, similar to starving African children on TV.
6:21pm. Baby has remembered that he was cranky and tired earlier and has yet to nap. Commences crying at a pitch and volume I've never heard before. Neighbours likely think someone is being murdered / tortured.
6:22pm. Husband offers to walk around with Baby to try to soothe. Baby is having none of this and is extraordinarily offended at the idea of anyone holding him other than Mommy. Pitch and volume of crying increase.
6:24pm. Hop up to grab Baby from husband. Dinner abandoned. Head upstairs to bathe and change Baby & possibly put down to sleep.
7:00pm. Baby feels much better after bath and a few minutes of nursing. Thought Baby would fall asleep as usually only nurses at night now, but seems to have acquired second wind. Hopefully fades out fast. Begin working on homework with Eldest Child, practice reading with Middle Child. Nice few minutes around kitchen table, no-one melting down, good talks. Homemade apple pie for bedtime snack.
8:00pm. Showers, jammies, brush teeth, bedtime story, hugs and kisses all around.
8:30pm. Older two children in bed. Husband heads downstairs. Baby seems to be getting more and more wired. Hmmm. Hyperness before bedtime crash? Going to try nursing again and possibly put to sleep. Lights out, blinds closed, soothing nightlight and ocean waves sounds on.
9:00pm. Resounding failure. Baby very awake, seems to think it's midday. Eldest Child has been out of bed three times, twice to get water and once for band-aid for invisible injury. Middle Child has been up twice, once for water and once for tissue.
9:30pm. Almost had Baby asleep, then Middle Child came barreling into his room to ask if I'd come snuggle when I was done putting Baby down. Baby rolled over, laughed at his brother, and went squiggling down to the floor in glee. Mommy had to bite down very hard on inside of cheeks to keep from screaming/swearing/something otherwise inappropriate. Sent Middle Child back to bed with an "I'll try."
10:00pm. Baby still awake. Older two children have both finally fallen asleep, but for some reason Middle Child is on the floor next to his bed with his blanket wrapped around him. Don't think he fell, although not sure would have heard as had to close door earlier when Baby kept trying to crawl in there and climb up on top of him. Looks too tidy and comfortable to have fallen, must have decided to sleep on floor. Odd. Wake up and move, risking not falling back asleep? No, will leave where he is.
10:30pm. Losing mind at Baby's unwillingness to fall asleep and absolute neediness with regards to requiring Mommy's undivided attention, imperiously pointing and yelling at various toys and books he wants and then tossing aside once receiving them,  refusing to be put down, etc. Have to pee. Have had to pee for half an hour. Call husband on cell phone as am trapped in Baby's room and suspect he's in basement or garage doing guy things. Husband laughs - "Oh, I thought you were still putting him to bed." For two hours? "Really? I was puttering, I didn't realize it had been that long."
10:35pm. Have peed. Feel much better bladder-wise, but still very cranky.
11:00pm. Why won't this child go the fuck to sleep? Great book, by the way. Have wonderful picture of husband reading it to Baby one night a few months ago when he was still crawling around cheerfully at 1am.
11:30pm. Baby appears to have learned how to function without sleep.
11:45pm. Middle Child woke up screaming at the top of his lungs. Found him lying on the floor still, all twisted around so that his upper body was hidden under the bed and only his legs were sticking out. Couldn't get him out as he was thrashing and screaming. Grabbed his knees and yanked backwards, then took nearly ten minutes of rocking and snuggles to calm him back down. Must have been terrifying - tight space, pitch black. If he wasn't claustrophobic before I'm sure he is now. Baby kept trying to wrestle and play with Middle Child while I rocked him. Unhelpful.
12:00pm. I actually think this child may not ever go to sleep.
12:15pm. Just spent ten minutes trying to explain to my eleven-month-old that I need alone time if I'm going to function tomorrow. Actually tried to reason with the child - "All Mommy wants is a few minutes of alone time to sit quietly and hang out with Daddy like grown-ups. I don't think that's too much to ask." Baby laughed. Full belly laugh.
12:30pm. OH-MY-GOD-I-FORGOT-ABOUT-THE-BOARD-REPORT. Bloody hell.

I'm having a drink.


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