1) Children will only sleep in on the morning you forget to set the alarm.
2) Baby will only fill his diaper once he is bundled into his snowsuit, hat, scarf, mittens and boots - particularly if you are already running late. (Note: this also applies to recently potty-trained preschoolers for whom having to pee is an urgent emergency every time.)
3) Children will not require your assistance with anything until the telephone rings. The urgency of their sudden emergency is directly proportionate to the importance of the phone call.
4) Baby will need to be held/rocked/fed as soon as you need to use the washroom.
5) If there is anything wet in the house, it will get spilled. Usually on the hardwood.
6) Your mother-in-law will only pop by for an unannounced visit on the day you have not had time to shower, the laundry is piled in the corner, the sink is full of dishes, the kids have built a fort out of the couch cushions, Baby is for some reason naked and you made Kraft Dinner with hot dogs and ketchup for dinner.
7) The children will throw up or wet the bed the moment you've finished laundering and reassembling all the sheets, blankets, pillowcases and stuffed toys. All of the children.
8) Children do not need to drink water, have a snack, use the bathroom or have their nails trimmed unless it is already well past bedtime.
9) Planning a date night with your husband will cause the children to become violently ill. With fever. The more specific the plans (babysitter booked, reservations made, deposit paid), the sicker they will be.
10) Children who cannot make their beds, tie their shoelaces, hang their coat on a hook, get a drink of water, or pour a bowl of cereal without your help will manage to scale a bookshelf and toss the entire contents on the floor if your back is turned for six seconds.
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