Friday, 7 November 2014

Thoughts while watching kids' tv

Where in the hell are Max and Ruby's parents?

You cannot tell me that Bob the Builder and Wendy aren't screwing.

Is there anything more awkward than those seven seconds of silence after Dora and Diego ask a question while their big, creepy eyes stare out from the tv - right into your very soul? "How many stars do you see?" Blink... Blink... Blink... Do - do you want me to actually answer? Blink... Blink... Blink... ummm...four. Four stars.

What in the hell is Uniqua supposed to be? Pablo's a penguin, Tyrone's a moose, Tasha's a hippo and Austin's a kangaroo. All the other Backyardigans are accounted for. But what in the hell is Uniqua?

Captain Hook is obviously an idiot, but I don't know Jake - it seems to me like if you stopped rescuing him from the crap he gets himself into you wouldn't really have to worry about him stealing your treasure anymore. Problem solved.

Thomas - you mean to tell me that this tiny island with like twelve people living on it has literally hundreds of trains and tracks criss-crossing all over it? This is the preferred method of travel in Sodor? Seems a little extravagant.

Toopy the flamboyantly gay mouse and his silent sidekick cat Binoo are cool and all, but do they have to make constant references to dropping the soap and putting hands in sock puppet friends? It's really hard to explain to the kids why there are tears streaming down my face.

Maybe if Mike the Knight weren't such a selfish little asshole to begin with he wouldn't have to learn these endless lessons about being a knight and doing it right. And Evie, I really don't think magic is your thing - no offence, but you screw up literally everything you ever do.

Thank-you Lalaloopsy - I literally can't imagine anything more terrifying than rag dolls with enormous unblinking button eyes come to life and moving around. Horror movie terrifying.

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