I'm tired. So tired.
I'm tired of never getting to sleep in until I feel rested. I'm tired of trying to be the "perfect" full-time mom while still earning a full-time income. I'm tired of always rushing, always being five minutes late because I have a half-dozen things scheduled more than I should. I'm tired of having a hundred things to do at once from the moment I wake up until hours after most people are long asleep in their beds.
I'm tired of always having to hustle for work, and always feeling like I have to work more. I'm tired of being taken advantage of at job #1, working for a fraction of what I should for the sake of getting to write mindlessly and anonymously. I'm tired of having to watch every word I write for job #2 because of certain creepy stalker-types. I'm tired of job #3 altogether, which is in fact the majority of my bread and butter at this point.
I'm tired of volunteering. I'm tired of being that person who volunteers for everything because no-one else bloody well will. I'm tired of working an extra twenty hours a week for free and very little understanding or appreciation. I'm tired of running three soccer teams and the school council. I'm tired of organizing fundraising raffles and charity drives and planning out practices and tournaments and events.
I'm tired of weekdays meaning up before dawn, showering and getting myself and three kids ready, making beds and tidying the house and making breakfasts and signing notes and agendas and packing lunches and backpacks, then welcoming other kids into my home and running a circus for an hour; then getting five kids bundled in snowpants-coats-hats-mitts-scarves-boots and walking them to school; then at home keeping preschoolers entertained and fed and cared for all day while trying to do the laundry and dishes and housecleaning, write an article or two and deal with team budgets and club schedules and soccer parent drama; then packing up the little kids and walking back to school to pick up the big kids, unpacking backpacks and lunches and signing notes and agendas and helping with homework; then starting dinner while running a daycare circus and tidying the house again; then the race to eat dinner and get out the door on time for soccer practices or swimming lessons, chauffeuring the children around and taking care of whatever team stuff has to be taken care of at respective practices; then home and snack and bedtime, reading to everyone and laying with each of the kids in turn until they're asleep; then tidying the house again and writing another article before finally sitting down for an hour of tv with my husband in the middle of the night because it's the first few minutes we've had to spend together all day.
I'm tired of never having a single second to myself, a single second to unwind, a single second to just be me...no half-hour commute to crank up my favourite tunes and sing along like a teenager or sit in quiet, soothing silence...no hour at the gym with the earbuds in and the adrenaline pumping...no coffee with a girlfriend at lunch...not even thirty minutes to soak in a hot bath with a glass of wine and a book.
I'm tired of lying awake at night after a busy eighteen or twenty hour day, mentally making to-do lists of emails to send out to kid #1's soccer team, spreadsheets to create for kid #2's teams, special guests to respond to for school fundraisers and how to juggle the three articles due the next day - in between taking care of my own three kids and the extra two I look after, school runs and homework and soccer practices and swimming lessons.
I'm tired of trying to meet everyone's expectations - I'm tired of trying to meet my own expectations - and always feeling like I'm falling short. I'm tired of everyone telling me I'm good at everything when I'm not that sure I am. I'm tired of being the person everyone I've ever met comes to for advice. I'm tired of trying to be politically correct. I'm tired of having to watch my words. I'm tired of having to deal with people I don't like. I'm tired of actually caring about what anyone thinks.
I'm tired of being the person who just does everything and is everything to everyone.
I'm tired of feeling like no matter how much I'm doing, I should be doing more.
I'm tired of the guilt I feel over feeling tired and trying to pretend I'm not - I love my kids, my husband, our life and family and home; I cherish every moment with them and weep for when this time is over - but right now, today, I'm tired.
Just so tired.